Changes to 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell' Don't Go Far Enough

Just a couple of weeks ago, my friend Jessie Campbell of Parshallville was among the crowd of 2,000 family members waiting to welcome home 150 Michigan National Guard soldiers.

As the formation of soldiers were finally dismissed, Jessie ran to her soldier just like all the other Army wives and girlfriends present. But this time, with the repeal of Don't Ask Don't Tell (DADT), the law that prohibited openly gay or lesbian personnel from serving in the military, Jessie would be able to greet her solider wife, 1st Lt. Jaime Durand, in public without fear of harming her partner's career.

"I’ve been pretty open about our lives," said Jessie, 25, about her same-sex relationship. "If you ask me a question, I’m going to give you an honest answer. But now it’s really OK to give that honest answer. … Now it’s just a big sigh of relief. I can take that breath now."

That is a lot to celebrate on Veterans Days as returning soldiers, ones who were deployed during the DADT era, are now coming home to the loved ones they can finally recognize without penalty. The repeal of Don't Ask Don't Tell became official on Sept. 20 of this year, months after President Obama orginally signed the law on Dec. 22, 2010.

Two years ago, the Hartland-area couple, who never thought they would see the end of the 17-year-old law, were legally married in Canada. With the elimination of Don't Ask Don't Tell, however, Jessie is looking forward to performing the ceremony again in the United States using a chaplain at a military base.

"I get to re-marry my wife," Jessie said. "Thanks for that."

However, they also know they still face unequal treatment due to the Defense of Marriage Act, which is the law passed by the federal government that defines marriage as a legal union between one man and one woman. This law is what prevents Jessie from being eligible to receive any health benefits through Jaime or military housing or even a military ID.

"I don't get a lot of the benefits that a normal spouse would," Jessie said. "Which is fine 'cause for me, that's not what this is about." 

Still, it’s the little perks, like her Afghanistan War Veteren license plate, that she does now get, that makes Jessie happy. And more importantly, just being recognized as a wife by the soldiers who served under Jaime is what matters the most to Jessie.

Already the support Jessie says that her and Jaime have received so far proves to her that for some of the military people serving overseas, "It's just not that big of a deal."

A tough year

Still, one year ago, this local couple lived in a world where DADT remained in effect, and played a huge role in their lives. The reality was that as Jaime dutifully served her country with honor and heroism, her spouse, partner and best friend agreed to live in a world of silence and invisibility.

“Being invisible is a very lonely feeling,” Jessie said of her experience this past year. “I have to make a decision every morning. Do I let the loneliness consume me or do I face the day head-on and be as strong as I can? Most of the time strength wins when I remind myself that I married my hero.

“Really it’s not about me, it’s not about what my role in it is. It’s about my family, it’s about my wife, it’s about serving our country. It’s about what our country was based on. People came from all over the world to have the freedoms that we supposedly have. Bottom line, it’s about serving your country openly and being who you are when you serve it.”

Ariana Bostian-Kentes, of Ann Arbor, president of the Military Partners and Families Coalition and who currently has a partner serving overseas, understands some of what Jessie went through this past year with her partner gone. She also knows that it’s the isolation of being a silent partner that has made deployments especially hard on hidden lesbian and gay military couples.

“I can’t imagine going through this all completely alone,” Bostian-Kentes said. “I do have friends and a supportive community, but I don’t have anyone who knows what it's like to go through a deployment and that’s the hardest part.”

Emerging support

Bostian-Kentes launched her organization on Memorial Day, with 15 military families across the country coming together in Washington D.C. to show their support and meet other families in a safe space. Connections, according to Bostian-Kentes, are what is needed the most for families of deployed soldiers, but what is also the hardest to find for some still trying to keep their private lives a secret.

“That’s why the repeal of Don't Ask Don't Tell is so big," Bostian-Kentes said. "Because when it was in place it really created a circle of silence. ... It’s this whole circle where everyone has to be completely silent and invisible and not talk about that whole side of their lives.”

Each day, more families like Jaime and Jessie are stepping out of the shadows, which means the possibilities are opening up for connections to be made and resources to be found.

Sue Fulton, the Communications Director for OutServe, an online support system for gay military personnel and their families, says that although there may still be questions regarding the repeal of Don't Ask Don't Tell, the military has learned how important it is to recognize these family members.

"They don’t have all of the benefits that other spouses have," Fulton said. "But it’s a huge step for them not to have to hide anymore."

Looking ahead

With her own soldier home safe from war, Jessie's hope is that her willingness to discuss her own life and struggles and her ability to be publicly known will help others like her. She also has the option now of becoming involved with certain military groups such as the Family Readiness Group, which according to Jessie, for National Guard families, involves organizing care packages and on-line support to families. 

"Being in the shoes that I'm in, I want to help anyone else in my situation," Jessie said. "Whether that means just talking with them or helping them with action plans to keep them busy and positive. I want to be an open book to spouses, not just same-sex spouses but all spouses. People need positive influences when your other half is overseas." 

As Jaime and Jessie settle back into their daily lives and routines, the question of their own military future is still being discussed. Jaime is happy, however, that she is now able to openly recognize her wife within her military community but says that the removal of DADT was really just a technicality for the couple anyway. 

"This is our life," Jaime said. "It stopped us before because of obvious legal reasons, but we didn’t live our life by that rule."  

Whatever the future holds for their small family, Jessie is confident that whatever they do decide, they will continue to serve their country with honor and dignity.

She is also confident that the reaction from her neighbors and community members will be positive as well, with little negative feedback, due to one important concept.

"I don’t ever see that really happening because people respect the flag," Jessie said. "And they respect the yellow ribbon, regardless."