Arguments for the truce called for here so often focus on the idea that women *choose* their own path as a SAHM or working mom. For many (I would even say most) moms, the choice to stay home or work is never on the table. Whether single moms, or families that need two incomes, many, many working moms I know would give anything to be able to stay home and raise their own children. They are not making a *choice* to work. They are only doing what needs to be done to provide for their family's needs. I'm sure there are other moms out there who must stay home for various reasons (a special needs child, an elderly parent who needs care) and feel the same pain.

While the argument between moms who choose to stay home and moms who choose to work is heated and can get ugly, every time I read one of these pieces I think about the bigger group of moms just saddened by the whole thing -- moms who would love to be able to make that choice.

i agree, michelle. i do not have a choice, and not for the reasons you might think. yes, i need more money and i'd like to work, but i cannot because i have a son with disabilities which make daycare very difficult/ impossible. many daycares and private schools do not "have enough staff" to deal with him. my son's disabilities are not visible to the eye, and we receive a lot of judgment from other parents: here is where my "mommy wars" reside. how about more open-mindedness in general?! we are all want the best for our children.

**DISCLAIMER - I AM A MALE. I am expecting my first child in Oct.**
I think that's the bigger societal issue here...The fact that we feel the need to not only judge others, but "correct" them and show them the "right" or "better" way of doing things. Everyone's motives are usually the same, wanting the best for ourselves and our families, no matter what side of the argument you are on. Yet we get caught up in the details and ignore the bigger picture. With kids we are trying to raise independent, honest, hardworking individuals. As long as you as a parent have achieved the end result you wanted, then you did the right thing, regardless of what your neighbor did.(vice versa for your neighbor) Neither SAHM or CM are better. They both have pros and cons associated and, as we already know, could be debated ad nauseum. The problem lies within each individual assuming they know better and are doing better than the other party and trying to change it, when in reality, we all want, and probably will end up, with the same result.

I will have to disagree with the opinion about not having a choice. I believe everything is a choice. Sometimes your choices maybe less than someone else's, or you don't have as many choices as you would like, but everything is a choice. 2 income household...definitely a choice. Not a right or wrong choice, just a choice that is made. Anyone can choose to live on $35k/yr instead of $70k/yr The 2 scenarios and lifestyles probably won't look the same, but it is a choice and there are arguably pros and cons with each choice. This particular choice is one that my wife and I decided to face. We wanted the option for her to stay home if she decided, so now our life looks much different than it did a year ago, but we wanted to open that option up for ourselves. And I am not trying to say that life circumstances or situations don't put us in tough places with very limited, if any, choices, but we usually have more choices than we realize.

I agree with Randy - sometimes people say they don't have a choice when really what they want is a certain lifestyle I get that. And of course there are people who truly have no choice. The quote from Ann that says, "My hunch is that Hilary Rosen, Ann Romney and most CM’s and SAHM’s are not so far apart," is so true. I think in our society, being a wife and mother is no longer considered "enough". If your children are in school all day and you do not work outside the home, people are wondering what you do. It's as if people forgot that someone needs to manage the home (I'm talking the day-to-day of kids, homework and activities, cooking, cleaning, laundry, you get it)... And if your spouse is gone at work all day, then it doesn't leave a lot of time for them to be doing these things. My mind cannot fathom feeling bad about managing a home and family as opposed to working outside the home. Rosen's comment was just odd.

wow, Randy, you are really being insensitive. yeah, we technically have choices, but are they *good choices* or choices no one would care to make? you must be really comfortable in your life to be able to say what you said. what i see is people who DO have lots of choices judging people by assuming they have financial situations similar to theirs, families similar to theirs, and the same amount of choices. yeah, i chose to have a baby, that was my choice, and by no choice of my own i got a child with disabilities. you don't know what my financial situation is, either. i'm not just taking up for myself, but for people who have *choices* that no one would like to make.

This is why they make different flavors of ice cream!

We live in a free society and people make choices and sacrifices based on their own personal beliefs. To criticize anyone for their personal beliefs and choices is not respectful. That is why I believe Hilary Rosen’s comments were way out of line and it is funny to watch the politicians run the other way!

There is value in people stating why they made certain choices for discussion purposes. Sometimes people might change their choices based on others' experiences. But to force your decisions and values on others is just plain wrong.

If there is a law that we all have to abide by, then the spirited debate needs to happen because we are all affected by those decisions. This issue is a personal choice, not a legal matter. It is interesting to read why some chose one path while others another, but it is their personal choice, one is not better than the other.

With all parenting decisions (work or SAHM, breast or bottle, etc. etc. etc.), people seem to think that doing things differently is some form of criticism. Each parent just needs to do what is best for their own family and stop putting others down to make themselves feel better about their own decisions.

I think the happiest moms are the ones who try to enjoy every minute. Whether you stay at home or work, quality time with your children is the most important. Both working and stay at home moms can be active and involved in their kids life. Isn't that what its all about?

Hear hear! What an excellent column.

It's about time that we women stop looking down on each other for the career-related choices or necessities in our lives. Christine, you are so right. We all do the best we can for families. And I'm quite tired of being criticized by mothers who are "better" than I am because they were able to/wanted to stay home to be full-time mothers. (I can't believe we still have this debate in 2012, for crying out loud.)

Great piece, Ann. One that is so close to my heart. I agree with Randy in that everything is a choice. In my case it was a choice of which parent stayed home with our disabled son. It came down to a simple matter of economics. My husband had gone into the arts, and I had gone into IT, which pays more. Neither of us is completely happy with the arrangement, but both of us are happy that we were in a position to have one parent home with my son. I've been stereotyped as a career bitch at times, and it's a ridiculous notion to anyone who actually knows me. My son's teacher seemed almost disappointed to learn that I'd actually made his birthday cupcakes myself. I imagine that she lost a bet on it (or maybe she was worried that I'd used peanut oil but was afraid to ask).

In any case, I'm all for cutting eachother some slack - mothers and fathers alike. It's a tough job staying home with kids, and it's tough to leave them to make a living. Most of us just have to balance what's best for the kids while making ends meet.

What occurs to me is that this is a very middle and upper class, and sometimes entitled argument. Some people actually have to put food on the table. Some people do not have domestic partners to help. So yeah, they cold chose to stay home, but then the kids would really suffer, maybe not eat. We actually have a hunger problem in this country, and even in our community. Don't imagine everyone has true *choices* like you do. I guess this whole article and discussion should have been prefaced with "this only applies to you if you are middle, upper-middle, or upper class."

oh yeah, and it only applies if you have a domestic partner.

I was not trying to put anyone down or belittle anyone's situation. I am sorry if you felt that way Christine. I was primarily making the point of having choices regarding the 1 income or 2 income household. I completely recognize the fact that a single parent household has a much different dynamic than a dual parent household, and that dynamic is compounded if there are disabled children. I was raised by a single mother and my sister has been a single mother for 14 years. Single parents do have it very tough. I still feel they can achieve just as much as anyone else if they choose. Admittedly, I really can't speak on a household with a disabled child, because I personally have never experienced that situation.

Thanks, Randy.
I guess to me the whole point is to realize that we all come from different situations and experiences that can be vastly different from our own and we have no business judging. We need to realize that the world is much larger than our own little worlds. The world is much different outside of Rochester, MI, too- really, it is. And of course, we all want what is best for our kids. Being a parent has made me both appreciate where people are coming from more, and also not like people more. I appreciate that everyone loves his/her child/children and I know what that feels like and I have more compassion for people as parents because I know the power of that love, but at the same time, I hate how having kids seems to bring out the worst in people, too.

Happy moms=happy kids. Making the best of whatever situation you have is most important.

The comment by Rosen about Ann Romney being THE voice of women that Mitt uses to shape his policies for women, is unfortunate, but the greater tragedy is that the context and the point Rosen was trying to make was overshadowed by the subsequent debate about SAHM's and CM's.

Women everywhere have different choices, different needs, expectations & certainly different responsibilities. Different experiences and responsibilities lead to a different view on the world and different NEEDS. All to often, I think the mentality of the politicians is a 1 size fits all frame of mind when it comes to women. A single CM with a special needs child is going to have different priorities and needs then a wealthy SAHM, such as Romney.

I think "The First Wive's Club" is a funny movie--there is one quote that rang true to me when I read Rosen's comment about Ann Romney and her role as THE voice of Women for Mitt's campaign-- "(1) I gave Aaron a home and a daughter. I washed and ironed his shorts. (2) You did? (1) Well, I supervised." --I think how can Ann's experiences shape Mitt's views on issues such as Equal Pay & workplace harassment, etc, I wonder if Ann can step out of her shoes into those of the Single Mother of a Special Needs Child, or the CM married to a SAHD, or the Career Woman and give Mitt genuine insight and advice, or will her views of a woman's role shape policy that simply alienates vast groups of women and perpetuates tensions between SAHM's and CM's?

Calan...."I think how can Ann's experiences shape Mitt's views on issues such as Equal Pay & workplace harassment, etc," Probably just as well as any other women who has a different set of credentials. By that statement you are validating Rosen and reducing Ann in her role and choices and making her less of a women. The exact point of the article was we all have choices and should be not be considered any less. By that standard no women can ever represent all the women in the US. Hopefully she will listen and be a voice to the majority. That would be the most important. Rosen was the one making the exclusive comment not Ann.